When and How to Have Those Tricky Conversations

Find out the best time and the place, and how to start those tricky conversations. What do other parents recommend?

Talking to your children

Try to make conversations as normal as possible. Avoid one off “big chats” and keep coming back to the topics. Regular conversations mean your child is more likely to come and talk to you when they need to.
There are often stories in the media which you can use as a springboard to conversations.
Start from a young age. Begin with discussions about staying safe at home, around water, roads and the railway. Talking about the medicines they use is another great starting point. They’ll be ready and used to it when older and you talk about drugs, alcohol, vaping and knife crime more openly. Our What Children Will Cover in School page will help you know when topics are covered and should be discussed.
Be open and honest. If you don’t know the answer to a question, it’s OK to do some research, find out, and come back to them. That’s better than guessing or telling them something inaccurate. Our Where to Get More Help page has some reliable sources of further information.
Explain risks from a position of caring. You want them to stay safe, and they are more likely to listen.
Be clear on your own beliefs.
Actively listen to what your child has to say. Maintain eye contact, keep body language positive, and acknowledge what they say without interrupting. Listening while you cook, wash up or watch TV is less effective than while driving or walking the dog.
Stay calm. Getting angry or being judgemental closes communication down. They won’t tell you things you need to know if they know you’ll get angry.
Giving your child the facts, health effects and what the law says, from a reliable source and in a calm manner, will help them when they need to use this information to stay safe. Try Talk to Frank.
Ask open questions, ones which can’t be answered with a no or yes. “Tell me about the party” creates an opportunity for a conversation. “Was the party good?” normally leads to a one word answer.
Encouraging young people to have these conversations puts their safety first and creates a space for support. If you don’t have these conversations, someone else will, meaning the risk of inaccurate information from friends or online increases.
Be specific and don’t lump all drugs together. Medicines are drugs too, alcohol is a drug, and the relative level of harm between, for example, nicotine, cannabis and heroin needs exploring. Our one page guidance sheets will be helpful here.
Research suggests that discussing resilience and decision making skills alongside the facts can be more effective.

Why might young people take drugs?

Knowing why some young people take drugs will help you understand when you speak to your child. There are many reasons: to have fun, to fit in, to experiment, to escape.

Set up plans

How will you stay safe when going out with friends?
What will you do if you need help? Make sure they know the numbers of people who will help them.
Talk to parents of your children’s friends. Creating, agreeing and sticking to consistent rules and boundaries will help.

Model

What example are you setting your children? They’ll view your actions as normal, and are more likely to try drugs or drink excessively if they see you doing it.
Demonstrate resilience and sensible decision making.

Download this guidance as a PDF

Words and phrases — to use and avoid

Small changes in wording can make a big difference to how open a conversation stays.

Words and phrases to try, to avoid, and why
Try	Avoid	Why
Healthy, legal.	Good.	These words give a reason and help explain why.
Unhealthy, illegal.	Bad.	These words give a reason and help explain why.
—	Good drugs vs bad drugs. Hard drugs vs soft drugs.	This oversimplifies things. Good drugs (medicines) can be harmful if used in the wrong quantities, for the wrong reason or by the wrong person. Soft drugs implies some illegal drugs are safe and risk free.
—	Drinking alcohol relieves my stress and helps me relax.	There are lots of ways to relax and relieve stress.
Someone struggling with a drug use problem.	Junkie, druggie.	These words can shame or judge.
Drinking or using substances.	Partying.	This word glamorises something which has risks and consequences.
—	Recreational use.	This normalises risky behaviour and can downplay potential risks.
—	Everyone does it.	Data suggests this isn’t true, and this phrase is used to encourage others to join in.
Consider the consequences of what will actually happen.	Get into trouble / get caught.	Doesn’t always mean anything without the next step.
—	Because I said so.	Might make children feel judged for being curious.
—	You’ll understand when you’re older.	Could close off future conversations. They’ve asked a question, so must be curious and ready for an age appropriate conversation.
—	Don’t ask questions like that. I don’t want to talk about this.	Makes them less likely to come to you when they need help, and you lose control of what they’re told if they go to someone else. Shuts down conversations.
By knowing accurate information and using the right skills, we can avoid that happening to you.	That will never happen to you.	We don’t want to scare or shock, but explaining how to avoid it happening to you is more effective.
Let’s think about the possible risks and consequences of trying drugs.	One try and you’re addicted forever. Your brain will be destroyed.	Research has proved scare tactics and exaggeration don’t work. Children will lose trust in you when they find out this isn’t always true, and it can backfire and make drugs seem more exciting or rebellious. A list of possible consequences is more powerful than one shocking statement which isn’t necessarily true.
You can always come to me. You can always ask me anything.	Your friends are a bad influence.	We aren’t looking for blame or fault, we want to open up conversations so the right topics are discussed and understood.
Let’s talk about what you might do if…	You’d better not ever… If I catch you…	This focuses on the threat of punishment rather than an understanding of why things shouldn’t be done.